Darryl James

By Darryl James
There is a choice to be made.

We have to be conscious and choose for ourselves, otherwise others will choose for us.

We have to choose between loving each other or embracing the growing acrimony that is festering on both sides of the gender divide.

Black males and females are at war with each other in many corners of this nation. Hateful things are being said back and forth, and things are getting critical.

I’ve been trying to move people by tapping into the hot topics that cut deep into human nature. The upside is that some of us are awake and realize that even if we disagree, we can still be committed to our people, or at least have a discussion about the divergences. The downside is that many of us have no idea how to have a conversation. I get literal demands from people to have discussions with them after they have cursed me or disrespected me in their disagreement with me.

I get suggestions to “be nice,” and to “soften my rhetoric” in order that more may hear me. But no matter how much poetry we put on it, things are still ugly and I will reach only those who are reachable, no matter what approach I employ.

The ironic part is that the demands to be nice frequently come from hateful idiots who are being anything but nice.

Besides, where is it written that hateful idiots can spew their waste at me, while I take some high road and maintain decorum?

Hate is hard to resist.

It’s like the dark side of the force—its evil, but seductive. It’s like the matrix—you can become a part of it and not even know that the real world has ceased to exist.

The problem with people who are essentially self-hating, is that they have been laying their ignorant hatred on everyone and no one has checked them properly. The lack of checking has given them a false sense of relevance and a reason to share their vile brain defecation with other people they infect.

Stephanie Mills sang a song about learning to respect the power of love. It is real, because love is powerful. But we must also learn to respect the equal and opposite of love–hate, which is just as powerful.

You see, as humans, we are but vessels. Whatever you put inside is what will grow and spew forth. If you fill yourself with love and good thoughts, you will be a nicer and more loving person. If you fill yourself with hateful thoughts and listen to hateful angry messages, you will spew meanness without even realizing it all the time.

That’s what is affecting some of our sisters who imagine themselves to be gentle, loving women, but can not understand why men they desire do not want to be around them. There is nothing desirable about a mean woman with a bad attitude and a cross disposition.

I have witnessed women I know allow themselves to be turned into something less than womanly by a group of hateful women, and then wonder why men are repulsed.

For many women who complain about not being able to find a man, I say that men may find you first and run.

At some point, it has become tiresome to hear about the lack of good Black men, because people are still getting married, which means that maybe some people just aren’t getting what they want because they are not meant to have it.

To be clear, there is a serious difference between a strong woman and someone who is sour, bitter and mean.

And there is a difference between being a strong man and someone who simply carries a bad attitude close to being bitchy.
But we hear the vitriol from women far more than men.

As I have already discussed, there are some real reasons why Black women are finding it hard to secure marriage over the age of 35. However, there are some real reasons that make it even harder and unresolved anger directed at every man who comes into your life is one of them.

Who started it?

Who cares?

Let’s just work on the resolution.

Making hate instead of love is not the resolution.

All I can say is that I am glad I’m not Jesus, because I can not love everyone and I won’t try. I prefer Allah in the Koran and God in the Old Testament of the Bible—if he didn’t like what he saw, he would bring down the vengeance and rain down pain and trouble.

What I will never understand is why some people can’t just disagree and move on. Why do they have to get all worked up and send hate mail to someone they do not know or post hatred on an internet discussion thread?

I already knew how to deal with hate, but now I am more focused than ever before.

I know that I have to be swift, sure and exact when dealing with hate. I confront it, redirect it, return it and then move one.
So, if you get an ugly email or post from me, after which you never hear from me again, its because I am returning your hatred and not allowing you to bring me any more.

You can’t leave your hatred with me, because it isn’t mine to begin with.

It’s yours and you should be making love instead of hate.


Darryl James is an award-winning author of the powerful new anthology “Notes From The Edge,” available now at DarrylJames.com He released his first mini-movie, “Crack,” and this year, will release his first full-length documentary. View previous installments of this column at www.bridgecolumn.proboards36.com. Reach James at djames@theblackgendergap.com