Movie Review Black Los Angeles

BlackNLA Movie Reviews

*****THE REEL DEAL: Reviewz from the Street*****

by Edwardo Jackson

BIASES: 30 (yikes!) year old black male; frustrated screenwriter who favors action, comedy, and glossy, big budget movies over indie flicks, kiddie flicks, and weepy Merchant Ivory fare

BATTLE IN HEAVEN (Unrated)

MOVIE BIASES: I hear there's some real, on camera sex going down. But tastefully done, of course.

MAJOR PLAYERS: Marcos Hernandez (Japon), Anapola Mushkadiz, and director Carlos Reygadas (Japon)

Those wacky Mexicans. During a time when a movie simulating sex between two men is shut out of the entire state of Utah, here comes some foreign indie fare with full-on, no holds barred, actual on camera S.E.X. Just the hint of this will bring 'em out to the theater. But imagine their - and your - disappointment when you find out that this movie, well, for lack of a better, less euphemistic word, SUCKS. And not the fun kind, either.

Opening with some, shall we say, oral gratification, "Battle in Heaven" follows the very bland days of Marcos (Hernandez), chauffeur to a general in the Mexican army, charged mostly with ferrying around the general's daughter Ana (Mushkadiz). Turns out that daddy's little girl gets off on her clandestine life as a brothel prostitute, a
secret she shares with Marcos out of necessity (but what he interprets as love). Marcos imparts a dangerous secret of his own to Ana, that he and his wife (Bertha Ruiz) have abducted a six year old child for ransom, who ended up dying on them. With Ana's disapproval crushing him as much as his own guilt, Marcos' mind, and world, begin falling apart as the police close in.

Wow. I think I did a better job describing the story than the director did filming it. Not nearly as sexy as related above, "Heaven" is a high-minded, pretentious, faux-artistic disaster. Unmitigated, unadulterated, unwatchable, quail-hunting-with-Dick-Cheney DISASTER. Plagued with frequently long, stillborn silences without a lot of
action, Reygadas' "Heaven" is like the worst of Jim Jarmusch (Ghost Dog) cross-pollinated with San Fernando Valley's finest "home videos." His elongated, voyeuristic traverses over the human body and extreme close-ups of genitalia are boring, not bold. Reygadas goes to great pains to show us how authentic the sexual acts are, but he doesnï¿½t spend half the energy he does on the sex as he does on the script. With his coaster-thin screenplay (I doubt if it's even 40 pages long), "Heaven's" use of graphic sex neither advances the plot nor defines
character - it is 100%, without a doubt gratuitous, hiding under the billowy, all-encompassing robes of "art" (more on this later).

Compounding the problem is Marcos Hernandez - as written and as an actor - the most uninspiring, unsympathetic, flat-out uninteresting lead since the last Lil Bow Wow movie. Marcos, the man and the character, is emotionally catatonic, immune to any kind of pleasure or love, not even of the self-handled (pun intended) variety. Hernandez, literally, just stands there the majority of the movie; he out-Hamlets
Hamlet. The religified turn this ridiculous, bizarre little film takes in the third act makes absolutely no sense. I get that Marcos isn't happy with his life, or being alive for that matter. I understand that Ana uses sex as her way of prompting justice. I even comprehend that Marcos is emotionally clogged into utter stillness. But I'm sorry - elongated takes about nothing do not move me, especially when Reygadas
tries to throw in some religion at the end as a useless cure-all. This movie is patently absurd.

How absurd? you may ask. The much ballyhooed/feared sex that, somehow, Marcos engages in (no man that boring, that overweight, thatï¿½hirsute would ever get that much tail - and that's not my Los Angeles-living vanity speaking either) is disgusting. It's not hot, DVD rental/Vivid Entertainment-worthy, Kentucky Derby thoroughbred stamina sex - it's nasty, middle-aged, varicose veins-showing fatty sex (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit remembering it). Are these "real"
people having "real" sex? Sure. But here's a case where I will HAPPILY take the Hollywood fantasy over this stomach turning reality any day.

Mind you, I was actually looking forward to some gratuitous sexcapades, so this isn't some naï¿½f or prude talking here. I'm not offended by what I saw, I'm just disgusted. What disgusts me the most is that this film will be heralded as "brave," "original," and all the other buzzwords lavished upon foreign and indie flicks that do
something we haven't seen much of before. Here's a buzz for your words: zzzzzz. Try boring. What disgusts me most isn't the unglamorous sex - it's the lack of a glamorous/involving/credible plot. And by hiding beneath Art's flowing, wide robes, a movie this wack will sucker people in, just to make them vomit a little bit in their
mouths, too.

You want something to boycott, Utah? Try a movie without a lead, interesting direction, or a coherent point. To suck like this MUST be obscene.

0 REELS
(ZERO REELS)
I'd rather watch "Ghost Dog", my eyelids taped open, with Bill
O'Reilly, instead.

Like what you read? Agree/disagree with The Reel Deal? Think he's talkin' out his...HUSH YO' MOUF! (I'm only talkin' about The Reel Deal!) Email him at ReelReviewz@aol.com!

Edwardo Jackson is the author of the novels EVER AFTER and NEVA HAFTA, (Villard/Random House), a writer for UrbanFilmPremiere.com, and an LA-based screenwriter. Visit his website at www.edwardojackson.com




			BlackNLA Movie Reviews ***THE REEL DEAL: Reviewz from the Street*** by Edwardo Jackson BIASES: 30 (yikes!) year old black male; frustrated screenwriter who favors action, comedy, and glossy, big budget movies over indie flicks, kiddie flicks, and weepy Merchant Ivory fare BATTLE IN HEAVEN (Unrated) MOVIE BIASES: I hear there's some real, on camera sex going down. But tastefully done, of course. MAJOR PLAYERS: Marcos Hernandez (Japon), Anapola Mushkadiz, and director Carlos Reygadas (Japon) Those wacky Mexicans. During a time when a movie simulating sex between two men is shut out of the entire state of Utah, here comes some foreign indie fare with full-on, no holds barred, actual on camera S.E.X. Just the hint of this will bring 'em out to the theater. But imagine their - and your - disappointment when you find out that this movie, well, for lack of a better, less euphemistic word, SUCKS. And not the fun kind, either. Opening with some, shall we say, oral gratification, "Battle in Heaven" follows the very bland days of Marcos (Hernandez), chauffeur to a general in the Mexican army, charged mostly with ferrying around the general's daughter Ana (Mushkadiz). Turns out that daddy's little girl gets off on her clandestine life as a brothel prostitute, a secret she shares with Marcos out of necessity (but what he interprets as love). Marcos imparts a dangerous secret of his own to Ana, that he and his wife (Bertha Ruiz) have abducted a six year old child for ransom, who ended up dying on them. With Ana's disapproval crushing him as much as his own guilt, Marcos' mind, and world, begin falling apart as the police close in. Wow. I think I did a better job describing the story than the director did filming it. Not nearly as sexy as related above, "Heaven" is a high-minded, pretentious, faux-artistic disaster. Unmitigated, unadulterated, unwatchable, quail-hunting-with-Dick-Cheney DISASTER. Plagued with frequently long, stillborn silences without a lot of action, Reygadas' "Heaven" is like the worst of Jim Jarmusch (Ghost Dog) cross-pollinated with San Fernando Valley's finest "home videos." His elongated, voyeuristic traverses over the human body and extreme close-ups of genitalia are boring, not bold. Reygadas goes to great pains to show us how authentic the sexual acts are, but he doesnï¿½t spend half the energy he does on the sex as he does on the script. With his coaster-thin screenplay (I doubt if it's even 40 pages long), "Heaven's" use of graphic sex neither advances the plot nor defines character - it is 100%, without a doubt gratuitous, hiding under the billowy, all-encompassing robes of "art" (more on this later). Compounding the problem is Marcos Hernandez - as written and as an actor - the most uninspiring, unsympathetic, flat-out uninteresting lead since the last Lil Bow Wow movie. Marcos, the man and the character, is emotionally catatonic, immune to any kind of pleasure or love, not even of the self-handled (pun intended) variety. Hernandez, literally, just stands there the majority of the movie; he out-Hamlets Hamlet. The religified turn this ridiculous, bizarre little film takes in the third act makes absolutely no sense. I get that Marcos isn't happy with his life, or being alive for that matter. I understand that Ana uses sex as her way of prompting justice. I even comprehend that Marcos is emotionally clogged into utter stillness. But I'm sorry - elongated takes about nothing do not move me, especially when Reygadas tries to throw in some religion at the end as a useless cure-all. This movie is patently absurd. How absurd? you may ask. The much ballyhooed/feared sex that, somehow, Marcos engages in (no man that boring, that overweight, thatï¿½hirsute would ever get that much tail - and that's not my Los Angeles-living vanity speaking either) is disgusting. It's not hot, DVD rental/Vivid Entertainment-worthy, Kentucky Derby thoroughbred stamina sex - it's nasty, middle-aged, varicose veins-showing fatty sex (I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit remembering it). Are these "real" people having "real" sex? Sure. But here's a case where I will HAPPILY take the Hollywood fantasy over this stomach turning reality any day. Mind you, I was actually looking forward to some gratuitous sexcapades, so this isn't some naï¿½f or prude talking here. I'm not offended by what I saw, I'm just disgusted. What disgusts me the most is that this film will be heralded as "brave," "original," and all the other buzzwords lavished upon foreign and indie flicks that do something we haven't seen much of before. Here's a buzz for your words: zzzzzz. Try boring. What disgusts me most isn't the unglamorous sex - it's the lack of a glamorous/involving/credible plot. And by hiding beneath Art's flowing, wide robes, a movie this wack will sucker people in, just to make them vomit a little bit in their mouths, too. You want something to boycott, Utah? Try a movie without a lead, interesting direction, or a coherent point. To suck like this MUST be obscene. 0 REELS (ZERO REELS) I'd rather watch "Ghost Dog", my eyelids taped open, with Bill O'Reilly, instead. Like what you read? Agree/disagree with The Reel Deal? Think he's talkin' out his...HUSH YO' MOUF! (I'm only talkin' about The Reel Deal!) Email him at ReelReviewz@aol.com! Edwardo Jackson is the author of the novels EVER AFTER and NEVA HAFTA, (Villard/Random House), a writer for UrbanFilmPremiere.com, and an LA-based screenwriter. Visit his website at www.edwardojackson.com Â© 2004, Edwardo Jackson