THE BRIDGE: Get Your Hand Out Of My Pocket
By
Darryl James
The
lady was smart, pretty and in very good shape. We had been dating
for a few weeks and I was enjoying the conversations with her.
We talked about our goals in life and we shared a great deal about
ourselves with each other. We both recognized that sharing up front
can prevent confusion later on down the line.
We began talking about what we really wanted in relationships when
she went there--she said she wanted a man who was "generous."
Now, the word itself may seem innocent enough, but let's really take
a look at what it means.
When a woman says that she wants a man to be generous, she is typically
referring to the dating process-she wants gifts, and she wants to
be courted in a lavish manner.
We're not talking about some third world nation where women are denied
employment and treated as property, we are talking about so-called
"independent women" in the good old U.S. of A, who fought
and still fight to be treated as equals with all the rights that men
have-except in dating.
As an independent woman, you should have no problem picking up the
check or at least paying your way. Otherwise, stop saying that you
are independent, and stop saying you want a good man. What you want
is a sucker and your honesty will be appreciated.
As far as finances are concerned, anything above wanting someone to
carry their own weight is unreasonable.
In addition, there are so many other things to be concerned about
that have value, that finances should be last on the list, because
at the end of the day, when the conversation turns to finance, most
men are turned off.
Being single and dating gets rough enough without all of the confusion
of financial expectations. For any rational adult, it makes no sense
to expect someone to spend money to entertain your grown behind. That's
like saying you want all of the fun but none of the responsibility,
and it's a poor way to begin a relationship.
A few years back, I was dating a woman who I really believed could
have been my soul mate. We communicated beautifully, we were both
from Chicago, and we liked the same things. We both had the same method
of accepting the things about each other that were divergent from
our own individual experiences. However, there was one thing that
she presented that I ultimately could not get beyond.
She couldn't stop begging.
Yes, I said begging. It wasn't that I didn't have the money. I was
making plenty of cash, but at every turn, she was asking me for money
to go out, money to buy new shoes, money to buy birthday gifts for
friends and money to spend at the mall.
That thing that was most disturbing was that she didn't even ask for
bills or other necessities, she would ask for trinkets and trash just
to see what she could get.
It's even difficult sometimes to sit at a bar and exchange conversation
without the expectation of drink purchases. Why would any otherwise
self-respecting woman want to diminish herself to a common "drink
whore?" Be offended, but if you are selling your conversation
and/or company for the price of a drink, this is what it amounts to.
There is already enough stress involved in trying to merge two individual
personalities, which may be divergent based on religion, education,
in addition to gender. Add finance to the mix and it's all bad.
It's just sad to watch beautiful sisters who claim to want a real
relationship start things off with a focus on avoiding financial responsibility.
Here's another horrible example: One of my close friends in Chicago
was scheduled to meet a young lady at a local hangout for drinks.
Each time they went out, she created diversions when it was time to
pay, or simply stared at the check, leaving him to pay. Once, he asked
her to split the check and she claimed to have left her money at home.
Outside of her difficulty with paying for her own entertainment, she
was actually a nice young lady and my friend liked her very much.
He arranged to meet her again and purposely arrived after she did.
She had already ordered a few drinks and food. My friend sat down
and ordered water. He declined any food, but otherwise, maintained
the same kind of conversation as on previous dates. When the check
came at the end of the evening, his date slid it across the table
in front of him.
Quick-what would YOU do? Here's what my friend did: He politely slid
the check back to her and stated: "I didn't eat or drink anything,
so you should go ahead and take care of it." Her reply: "Why
would you ask to spend time with me, if you don't want to treat me
like a lady?"
Ladies, if there is a cost for your time, please make that clear up
front. Perhaps some men will simply offer you a flat fee to get right
to what they desire. If you are not for sale, you should take the
price off of your company.
Now, here's the sad part: When I write pieces like this and give such
examples, some sisters say that it's only the circles I run in, but
those circles seem to be all across the nation, because not only are
my brothers lodging numerous complaints, but many of my honest sisters
who pay their own way are aware of the offending behavior as well.
The bottom line is that no matter how you couch it, coming after a
man financially is unattractive. Phrase it as "generous,"
but if you expect to be paid for, then you are practicing a form of
prostitution. Don't be surprised or angry if you get some of the same
results.
Dating is an expensive venture and difficult to launch properly. In
my lectures, my most salient piece of advice to single women is to
be unafraid of initiating contact and open to sharing the financial
burden of dating.
The dating process should allow two people to get to know each other,
ostensibly before making a commitment. A relationship is about partnership
and dating should not be any different. In fact, since dating may
not turn out to be anything permanent, there should be no substantial
financial investment. At the end of something that doesn't work out,
both people can walk away undiminished.
So, ladies, please focus on a man's character, not his wallet, and
maybe you will find something to have and to hold. When you approach
a man keep your eyes on the prize.
And keep your hand out of my pocket.
