THE BRIDGE: Girls & Boys, Part I
By
Darryl James
Relationships
are complicated.
It is difficult for two people to merge ideas and beliefs on religion,
politics, family, money and values. Things are even further complicated
by the fact that men and women are very different.
Communication often breaks down when either men or women view issues
from one perspective or the other, without considering both sides,
or considering the divergent socialization of each sex.
Many of the difficulties African American men and women are dealing
with in relationships have less to do with how "horrible"
we are as a people, and more to do with some simple facts about male
and female socialization in America.
Relationship counselor Angel L. Gaines advises both women and men
on interpersonal issues as part of the Christian Ministries at one
of Los Angeles¹ largest churches.
Gaines earned a degree in child and family development, with courses
in family dynamics, before attending Practical Christian Living Classes
at West Angeles Bible College in LA. Her counseling career, which
spans more than five years, focuses on male/female and parent/child
relationship dynamics.
In "Bridging The Black Gender Gap," my mini book on relationships,
Gaines explains that interpersonal issues begin with the individual,
and are the basis of conflict in relationships.
"My philosophy is that people usually have conflict because of
the way that they process pain," said Gaines. "Until they
can pinpoint the way that they process pain, they will use band-aids
as opposed to seeking the root cause of the pain."
Once the root cause of the pain is discovered, individuals are able
to understand another person¹s pain and work toward conflict
resolution with them. This will place them on a road to managing anger.
"Anger is actually an emotion that no one is taught to deal with,"
explained Gaines. "That¹s why more women suffer from depression,
which is anger turned inward. In childhood, when we are angry, women
are taught that expressing anger is not lady like."
While women are generally told to simply get over their anger without
seeking resolution, male children are simply told that men don¹t
cry, which I discussed in a recent column, entitled "Big Boys
Don¹t Cry."
"They (men) have issues of conflict resolution and often become
violent or aggressive," Gaines said. "As a result people
don¹t know how to channel their anger."
Gaines also points to problems with the male characters in the fables
men encounter as children.
"Nearly every male character is macho and extremely heroic, saving
the day at all costs, above and beyond their natural call of duty,"
she said. "The other option is found in fairies, wizards and
genies, which usually carry very effeminate characteristics.
"You never get the person in the middle, so men grow up having
to identify with one of those types. The problem is that when they
grow up with those two types, men don¹t learn how to deal with
rejection and pain, until later on in life. They are not expected
to hurt, just to save the day. "
The confusing emotional signals men receive are the reasons why many
men have never cried in front of women. They will often shut down
their emotional connections the first time they are hurt, which is
how emotional baggage is created. We continue to deal with adult relationships
based on things we learned as children, and most of us never examine
them, then we present ourselves to other human beings for partnership,
which is what a relationship is.
And women are learning some things as adults, which severely handicap
them in relationships, including labeling themselves as "Independent
Women."
Gaines said that the phenomena of the "Independent Woman"
is really a mass effort to pretend hurt away, by pretending not to
want or need what is really desired. Pretending pain away and seeking
ways to mask it has given rise to what Gaines calls the "fantasy
love" business.
"If you want to make a quick million, write a romance novel,
or make a movie where two people meet, fall in love and its all done
in two hours," she said. "We are catering to the fantasy
of relationships, which is escapism. It¹s almost an oxymoron,
because we¹re escaping from the hurt of one relationship by indulging
in the fantasy of another.
"Dating shows are making money, because the smart entrepreneur
has learned the market and the product. The product is in the grocery
store and on the cover of magazines and women are the target."
Women are targeted because the expected notion is that men are already
pursuing women and that women have been trained to prepare for that.
Gaines said that women in American have been trained for a specific
role in the dating process.
"From preschool, we are taught that we will get a prince charming,"
she said. "In every fable, there is a woman at the end getting
a handsome charming man who rescues her. Even the songs we hear have
a girl in distress waiting on a man to rescue her.
"By the time a girl is in fifth grade, she is dreaming about
getting married. It¹s a fantasy and marriage is just not a fantasy."
Since females are counseled from childhood to wait for marriage, Gaines
said that the "Independent woman" phenomenon is simply a
defense mechanism.
"The mentality is that if I can convince myself that I don¹t
want what I really want, then it doesn¹t hurt as much when I
don¹t get it," she said. "It masks my pain and doesn¹t
hurt so bad to say ŒI don¹t need a husband anyway.¹"
In addition to sending the wrong signals, people often miss crucial
signs.
"A sure sign people who are seeking relationships miss is the
relationship with the opposite sex parent," said Gaines. "If
you meet a woman who does not have a good relationship with her father‹her
first opposite sex relationship--if her father was not present, you
are dealing with someone with abandonment issues.
"If a guy is aggressive with his mom, you are dealing with someone
with anger management issues. If he adores or communicates with his
mother, communication and affection won¹t be problems."
Gaines also emphasized that the goal in a relationship is not to be
a surrogate parent.
"For example, women are nurturers by nature," she said.
"We see a guy who isn¹t doing well and we want to go in
and save him, but we can¹t be a substitute or replacement parent.
Likewise, he can¹t be the replacement or substitute father. You
have to be husband not father, mother, not wife."
Gaines advises that there can also be no replacement for counseling,
to create what she calls a "neutralizing zone," referring
to counselors, spiritualists and confidants, which includes parents,
friends and family.
In selecting people for the "neutralizing zone," care has
to be taken that parents, friends and family can provide listening
without judging and if advice is given, it must be provided objectively.
"People 35 and over who are unmarried can be judgmental--especially
people who are spiritual or very active in their religion," said
Gaines. "They judge people by their weaknesses, which is a problem.
We assume that people have to be perfect according to our standards,
and not perfect within themselves."
It has been my experience that people who can't EVER find good people
(men or women), generally are either looking for the wrong thing,
or they ARE the wrong thing. We have to stop waiting to exhale, waiting
to let go, waiting to take the next step, waiting for someone else
or waiting to start something new. We have to spend time building
ourselves for the right one instead of complaining that he or she
doesn't exist.
We also have to spend some time understanding the difference between
girls and boys.
