|
|
| Author | Topic |
| Donna | Posted - 18 April 2007 18:11   Mr. James I just finished reading your article. I do appreciate you sharing it with us women. I typed strong black men into google search and this is what I found. I decided to do this search because my husband of 16 years has finally shared that he would rather be with a white woman. Two years ago he had an affair with a white woman and then of course there is the porn. I am just "killed" I have often suspected this love of the white woman and have even gone so far as to not eat for 30 something days to satisfy this thing I suspected he was looking for. Now I am just hurt and I want to know where a strong, educated black woman goes to find a black man who sees the beauty in her. I see a lot of black men with white women. What is going on here? I realize I can never be white. I don't know what else to say I am just confused and angry. |
| mon | Posted - 23 December 2006 1:46 I generally call myself independent, but its definitely not by choice. I was raised by my grandparents, who were married for 50 years. My grandmother never worked outside of the house, and she taught me all about being a good southern woman (cooking, cleaning, decorating, how to look nice, makeup, etc.). I wasn't allowed to date in high school, out of fear that some boy would steal my purity, and by the time I got to college, I thought the natural course was to meet someone special, have a relationship, get married, and have kids. I wanted an education because I have a thirst for knowledge, but I basically patterned my life after the dominant people in my life-my grandparents. Then my world came crashing down. My someone special, after six years and an engagement, ran out on me when I found out I was pregnant. At that point, my mother (who has always been present and important in my life) told me, "your grandmother had me thinking the same thing, until I got married and your father walked out on you and your sister and left me uneducated and unable to care for you. Get your education and take care of yourself, because you can't count on a man." I then decided to further my education and get two more degrees. I haven't received child support in two years, despite pleading with him and calling support enforcement, and he only has to pay 150 a month. I have since lost my well-paying job through layoff, had my grandfather die and been left to care for my grandmother and my mother, who has cancer, and my sister and brother have left the roost. My sister lives the life my grandmother told us was proper, but I wasn't so lucky. I have always been considered as "soft" by black standards, and I couldn't be hard if I tried. As a result, I've been in two serious relationships since then, with both of them telling me one thing and then leaving when something "better" came along. I'm tall, thin, attractive, and astute, but apparently, it doesn't seem to matter. My brother left his first wife for a white woman, and every time he comes home he tells his ex-wife (who helps me tremendously with my mother) that he's miserable, but he stays anyway. I say all of that to say this: for all of the talk from black men about black women being hard, I can attest to the fact that being soft doesn't help, either. |
| Lola | Posted - 5 May 2006 14:45 LOL.........Darryl is still at this....LOL LOL. a classic DJ (as i call him) quote "a woman who wants to tell me what she thinks is not fit for a relationship". LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!! |
| DarrylJames | Posted - 16 March 2006 19:15 Leane, you can make up whatever sweet lies you need to in order to feel good about poor social behavior. Only ignorant women say that men are "threatened" about things. We’re not threatened, we’re just repulsed by bullshit. What is supposed to be threatening about a woman who can pay her bills? That lie is just silly. It’s also silly for you to talk about what kind of woman is sexy. That’s the problem—silly women who speak for men without asking us or worse—without listening when we speak about what we want. It’s good if you are single, because a woman who wants to tell me what they think is not fit for a relationship. |
| Leanne | Posted - 4 March 2006 17:10 Alot of men misunderstand what the word independance means. It's threatening to a man to know that a woman is perfectly capable of paying her own bills, working her own schedule, and overal being her OWN boss. Because they think these women don't need a man for anything and that's not true. But if they really understood it. If they really knew that these women still want to be loved just like anyone else then maybe they'd feel less threatened about it. When a woman says, "I don't need a man to be happy." It's not because some man did her wrong, and she's some bitter dyke who hates men. It's basically saying that she's perfectly comfortable on her own. It's not that a man couldn't make her just as happy. She's just saying, "If I have to I will make myself happy." My mother always told me that it's really important as a woman or a man to find yourself. To know who you are, and be happy just being on your own before you can make someone else happy. Some men may like the idea of a needy woman. But if you really think about it. A woman who can take care of herself is alot more sexy, and interesting as a girlfriend/wife. Then one who constantly needs YOU to protect her from the big bad world we live in. I don't understand what is so wrong with it. If she has her own goals and dreams. What is so threatening about it? It's not even that women don't need men. Their are times when it's nice to have a man there to hold you. To listen, and make you laugh. Sure in that department a man is needed. But that doesn't mean she has to be miserable on her own. She's basically just saying i'm happy being me and I don't need to depend on someone else to take care of me financially, or emotionanly. She's not saying, "I hate men! I don't need them! there useless!" She's saying, "I'm an adult, and I make my own decisions and i'm happy with them. Even if that decision is to be single for awhile. |
| Jimmy Smith | Posted - 24 August 2005 21:11 If I didn't need a woman, God would not have taken her from under my wings given her to me.. If she didn't need me She would not have been taken from the nearest place to me, my heart. This notion that all I need is self is the reason why there are so many Black Single Women in their 30's 40's & 50's who are alone and will be alone till they past from this earth. If you want to be able to take care of yourself fine, or be strong and able to provide for yourself and yours that is fine also. No one is against that at all. But to use the term Independent and related it to the lie you don't need no one is not true. To me it sounds more like past anger toward someone who did you wrong and your now finding ways to vent. And please stop using as the excuse “the reason I don't have a man because brothers are either dead, in jail, and jobless”...you make it seem like all the brothers in the world are that way and that is not true. There are some good men who exist. It’s your preference of what a good man is that is all screwed up. Financial stipulations are one the greatest weapon and causes I hear used by women today and it tends to put stains on relationships Please remember that Satan’s job here on earth is only to cause you to forget God and turn your back on Him. He has numerous schemes and one of the greatest that is ever growing rapidly is to cause division among men & women, families, etc. He is so wise to create such chaos and keep us at odd with other. He doesn't like the idea of family and couples depending on each other. So he creates this negative movement to tear apart what God has already ordained in the beginning. The family. One of the first women upon the earth during the restoration of mankind to seek independence from God and man was Eve. It was this lie that Satan inserted in the serpents mind, which translated it to Eve: Saying that the only reason God don't want you to eat the fruit because he know that in the day you eat thereof you would be like Him. A God: that is someone with total power who would not have to rely upon his or her creator anymore. Let me break down for you further. She conceived in my mind that if she could be like God she would have no need of Him or Adam for that matter. She dwelt on the concept of having total power unto herself. If I Eve eat this fruit I won't have to depend on God or man for nothing that I need, I can go and come at will like him knowing all things and being able to do all things for myself. What she didn't realize was that apart from her creator she would be lifeless not having squat. She was deceived. And that foolish man who was with her which didn’t correct her knowing he had the keys to inserting life or death did likewise sending us into separation from the creator Many women today are buying into that same deception. I don't need a man to do this or that, why does it even comes to that? What has man did to you so bad that you have written him off? Don’t be sunrise people, some do take it that far. Like the writer said. There is nothing wrong with you being independent. We want someone who can bring things to the table as just as well as you do. Being my woman doesn’t mean you’re my doormat. We were created to be one In unity together. Not apart from each other. And to the woman who said "An independent woman is a woman who can define herself outside of her mate" If God meant for her to define her outside of her mate He would not have taken her from within to begin with. Anything that causes division is confusion, and God is not the author of such. She can still define herself as woman in the presence of her man as well. And he can define himself in her presence as well. They draw strength from each other. I don't need to go on a shopping spree, buy a home, nice car, etc. just to cry out and say look at what I did ya'll all by myself. I did it without the help of a woman. That is good. But neither of us do anything without the help of God. Who is a man by the way… Just of a higher superior nature than a Human Being |
| Barb Holmes Reynolds | Posted - 11 July 2005 19:54 The substantive woman doesn't have to speak above a whisper. The aura is present and speaks volumes. When I speak, I'm usually "on the clock". I don't need to convince anyone of my strength -- it's in the aura. |
| malcolm | Posted - 2 June 2005 19:0 ithink,black women need to study,thier history befor they can say anything thing about a blackman sexuallity.from studying the black women past sexual relationship with the white boy 350 and counting,what black men had to witness,any other men would of any other race would hate them,the black man made queen out of our women,they want to blam brothers for what they became out of slavery on brothers.i believe that only god will be able to bring the black race together,the black female truly think she is smarter then brothers,what world have she ever build in history?where in the old world of history,she sold hir love to the white boy once agian , like she did in egypt. |
| nubiennelady | Posted - 20 April 2005 5:25 Good article overall. I was once one of those "Independent Woman" who was also a radical Black feminist but you can't be a radical feminist and love a Black man at the same time that is unless you want a man who lets you walk all over him. I really had to reframe my way of thinking esp. after a conversation I had with my grandmother who's been with my grandfather for 63 years. In essence, she said, that my grandfather endured alot of assaults on his manhood as one of the first Black men trying to integrate the UAW in Los Angeles and at home was the only place he could authentically articulate his manhood in positive ways. She also said that this didn't mean she was submissive. Actually, my grams is still as feisty as they come and my grandfather, while head of the household, knew what lines not to cross. But what it did mean for them was a give and take. My grandfather was the financial provider and public guardian of the family while my grandmother infused the kids and grandkids with values, culture and tradition while running a tight ship at home. They learned to make use of each other's gifts and talents without stifling their own growth. After that conversation and meeting a man who gives me balance by challenging me, I had to rethink the whole "Independent Woman" moniker. Yes, I most certainly can provide material things for myself. I have advanced degrees, a job, a car, etc. I can also take out the trash, know when to get an oil change, etc. But the intimacy and emotional sharing (not to mention the physical intimacy as well) that I share with my man, I could never duplicate on my own. He knows full well I'm capable of taking care of myself but he also knows how much more enriched our lives are now that we've found each other and vice versa. He doesn't stifle my growth but we work as a team and darn it, sometimes being a "strong Black woman" all the time gets tiring. I really didn't mind sharing the load once I realized my man was more than capable of picking up the slack.
nubiennelady |
| Darryl James | Posted - 2 March 2005 15:13 I do not know Lola Talabi and she is not the woman I am talking about in this article. She is an angry, ignorant, freak of nature who hates Black people. She also needs to ask someone about how the law works in regard to journalism. After that, she needs to kiss my Black ass. |
| Lola Talabi | Posted - 22 February 2005 17:10 Listen, I'm the girl that Darryl James mentions in this article. He has taken the contents of our correspondence and twisted it in this article. The entire article is libelous. I have informed Mr. James that not only is libel against the law and he is liable, but EURWEB which originally printed this article is also liable for this. Aside from taking legal action I would like to bring your attention to a couple of things. This man claims to be a professional that is concerned about the community but all he does is break it up and tear it apart. Black Women and Men are equally important in the equation. It is true that many Black Men are disenfranchised in this country, but so are many Black Women. Instead of working at tearing us apart, why not work at bringing us together? Why not listen and understand and validate each other? Why is it okay for a black man to say I'm not a jailbait, i'm not a thug, I am a good man, and not okay for a black woman to say, I'm not a golddigger, i'm not shallow, and I am a good woman? Let me tell you all somethiing, you do not need a Darryl James to use sensitive issues in the community to align his paycheck. In your own life when you meet a black woman or black man, show them respect equally. Show them love equally. But most of all show that you understand and accept each other's problems, issues, in this society. Also, there is absolutely nothing wrong with an educated and assertive black woman. A woman that is independent doesn't mean she cannot be a partner in a relationship. It does not mean she cannot give or take. A relationship should be about two equals who are building each other up, who are holding each other up. It means she is fully developed as a woman, she understands herself, she values herself. You have to love yourself as a woman or a man before you can fully love another human being. An independent woman is a woman who can define herself outside of her mate. There's nothing wrong with that. |
| gracie | Posted - 16 February 2005 0:2 I used this term often, even in raising my daughter (now 18 yrs). After reading this article, I will not use the term again. I appreciate the article, and have shared its knowledge with all of my friends. As for the self-hating ignoramus....she is what she is; just that hate. |
| Nappilocs | Posted - 11 February 2005 1:19 I'm a woman and I'm in total agreement with this article. I cringe when I hear my fellow sisters use terms like "independent woman" or "strong black woman" because it usually means just the opposite. |
| Nappilocs | Posted - 11 February 2005 1:19 I'm a woman and I'm in total agreement with this article. I cringe when I hear my fellow sisters use terms like "independent woman" or "strong black woman" because it usually means just the opposite. |
| POETIC | Posted - 9 February 2005 1:42 THE SIMPLE FACT WE FEND FOR OURSELVES, EDUCATE AND CLOTHE OURSELVES IS THE MARKER OF MATURITY AT BEST,NOT INDEPENDENCE OF RELATIONSHIP, WHICH THEY ADMIT,ONLY YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE IT ON THEIR TERMS OR THEY WILL STAY SINGLE AND ADOPT A RELATIONSHIP WITH A CHILD OR A PET. MENTION WAS MADE HOW MEN DON'T SEEM TO HAVE THE MISGUIDED PERCEPTION THAT A PAYCHECK EQUATES TO OUR NOT NEEDING A WOMAN. INDEPENDENCE SHOULD ALLOW YOU TO PAY FOR THE MEALS--REGULARLY--AT LEAST PAY FOR YOUR OWN ALL THE TIME WHEN YOU DATE! BUT THAT'S TOO INDEPENDENT. THERE ARE MANY EXAMPLES OF THE SERVICE WHICH REMAINS EVEN THOUGH INDEPENDENT. AND ANOTHER THING I COULD BUY MY OWN GIFTS,MOST TIMES IT COMES OUT CHEAPER ANYWAY. THE PROBLEM IS: MEN NEED WOMEN, AS YOU POINTED OUT, FOR RELATIONSHIPS, THE THING THE INDEPENDENT WOMAN IS SEEKING WITHOUT HAVING TO CONTROL HER ANTICS OR DROP THE BAGGAGE. HAVING TO BUY DEMONSTRATION OF THINKING ABOUT YOURSELF DOESN'T WORK MS. INDEPENDENT. AND REMEMBER THE TIME WHEN THAT SILLY OLD HOUSE WIFE USED TO JUST CALL HER MAN TO DINNER AND HE CAME MUMBLING. WHEN HE DID WHAT SHE NEEDED DONE BECAUSE SHE KNEW HOW TO GET IT OUT OF HIM. OH, AND SHE DIDN'T MIND KEEPING THE HOUSE CLEAN. INDEPENDENT WOMEN WON'T EVEN CALL A MAID SERVICE. BEFORE VIAGRA WOMEN SAID IT WAS THE QUICK SEX THAT MADE THEM TESTY. NOW ALL MEN CAN HANG . IF WE ARE GOING TO GIVE UP VARITY, WE SHOULD AT LEAST GET A LADY BEING WHAT SHE IS BORN TO BE: CAPABLE OF LOVING A FAMILY, SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO A MALE TO STIMULATE REPRODUCTIVE DRIVES. OR WHY BOTHER,BOOTY CALLS WORK. IF THAT IS ALL YOU WANT TO BE - INDEPENDENT - OH YEA THERE ARE OTHER LONELY INDEPENDENTS YOU CAN 'RELATE' TO. "In closing, there is nothing wrong with being independent. There is something very wrong with declaring independence without the responsibilities that come along with it." WELL SAID. |
| asilreh | Posted - 8 February 2005 18:53 It is refreshing to hear a mans point of view. His writing definite makes me rethink the word independent. Unlike my mother's generation that stayed home with family until they were married, our mothers taught us to provide for ourselves and to be self-sufficient. I can not apologize for being able to take care of myself. I agree that communication and support are two very important elements of a relationship but some of us just never meet the man that can communicate and support us. So why should we feel bad for being in our 30's, single, self-sufficient and childless when we chose to wait on what God sent instead of accepting whatever approaches us? |
| blackthought | Posted - 8 February 2005 16:11 I hope some good brother loves you, Ayisha. Your mentality is pragmatic and necessary. No good man is asking for women to bow down, just to not be so reactionary. Don't tell me that you don't need me, then expect me to chase you. If you don't need me, I don't want you. |
| Ayishah | Posted - 7 February 2005 23:36 I'm probably the only woman who is bold enough to admit this, butI wholeheartedly agree with this article. Thank you for finally addressing this issue! I am more than tired of women proclaiming independence when they are doing nothing more than what they are supposed to do. The whole independence thing is what prevents solid relationships from forming. It is why women no longer cook and our children spend more time with their baby-sitters and daycare providers than with us. It is the reason why so many of my girlfriends are childless and husbandless. Relationships require interdependence in order to be successful, and we are so stuck on defining ourselves as independent, we forget how to work with someone else. That's why so many women in their 30's are married to their jobs and have pets instead of children. BTW, I totally detested that song because the whole premise behind it was ridiculous. :-) |
| Nathan Govan | Posted - 7 February 2005 16:42 I agree 100%. Women, before you comment with attitude (like some of you will), listen to his argument, objectively. He is not saying that you should be submissive to a man. Not at all. He is saying that a relationship, by its very nature, makes both people "co-dependent". And those that want to have successful relationships, should be honest with themselves. We need you. We can't lie. You need us too (and don't you lie).... |
| Nathan Govan | Posted - 7 February 2005 16:42 I agree 100%. Women, before you comment with attitude (like some of you will), listen to his argument, objectively. He is not saying that you should be submissive to a man. Not at all. He is saying that a relationship, by its very nature, makes both people "co-dependent". And those that want to have successful relationships, should be honest with themselves. We need you. We can't lie. You need us too (and don't you lie).... |